Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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