Where did you get a picture of my penis
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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