Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
