Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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