Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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