I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
