some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
