I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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