she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
