Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
