is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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