I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
its liver damage thursday
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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