I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
