mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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