Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
