I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
