They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
