Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
