I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
