let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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