he wants to bone in the snuggie
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We left an ass print on the piano.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
