oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
