Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
