youre lurking in front of me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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