In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
