It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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