I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
