I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
