Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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