I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
