If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
