I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
