Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
