Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
