I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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