I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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