i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
