Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I had to cum in my sink.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
