I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
