He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
