I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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