Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
