turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
