I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize