I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
