they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
