Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
