I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
