nut hugger
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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