not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
