i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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