Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
