How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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