i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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