I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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