i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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