i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
