i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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